Looking In The Mirror

Have you ever seen a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and then looked away? You didn't want to see who you really were? You didn't understand or like who you were?  I know in the past that was me. I remember being so ashamed of who I was and not having any idea how to fix the empty whole inside me. It was an awful place. Full of tears and frustration. I picked the wrong boyfriends and the wrong friends. I had a lot of people surrounding me that didn't support me and they embraced my version of who I believed I was. 
And then my angel from Arizona said these words;
"You surround yourself with people who tell you the lies you believe about yourself". 
Wow! Smack between the eyes I was hit with a powerful truth.
I HEARD her. I understood her.  
It was another beginning on my journey to self empowerment and love but it was a huge step.
I began to look at everyone in my life and ask myself. What lie do they reinforce for me?  Do they think I am stupid? Do they think I am fat? Do they want me to be unsuccessful? Do they think I am a whore?  Yes, these are strong and negative words but I had picked men who scorned me for my past and would call me names. I had picked friends who didn't celebrate my beauty but would criticize me and I picked "friends" that would always leave me as their last choice. I was the second fiddle friend. If something better came up, they would flake on our plans, no matter how special those plans seemed to me. 
And so I began to look deeper into my own thoughts. Where did I think I was inferior and where did I believe my past relations with men had been inauthentic. How many times had I been that whore by selling myself out to men who didn't love me but wanted something else from me? And the biggest of all, how many times had a I abandoned who I was? How many times did I let the little girl inside me be hurt by others actions. Why wasn't I her champion?
These were not pleasant thoughts to think but as I delved deeper I saw a pattern of abuse, a pattern of abuse that I had perpetuated. I had gone from being a victim to being my own abuser. Once this realization seeped in, I began to stop that behavior. Baby steps of course. If a friend cancelled going to a movie, I wouldn't just sit home, I would take my "little girl" out to the movie anyway. It was scary at first, especially going to a movie alone! If I went to dinner by myself and the waitress said, "Will you be dining alone tonight?" I would answer yes but then remind myself, "Yes and I am great company!"  
These self empowering thoughts began to change me and myself. My path led me to a dark place before investigating the origins of my shame and the rebuilding of my beauty but it did occur. Today I share it with you as a way to celebrate my journey and to pass on any wisdom I have learned. 
I am AMTASTIC
and you are as well!
I hope the road you travel leads to all the wonders this amazing world has
to offer and brings you the same peace I have found.
Namaste and God Bless

 

 

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